Shame, Shame, no SHINE! SHINE! yes

Shame is a corker.

It corks up all the frustration, rage, despair, longing and our ability to reach out, with a vacuum seal so tight, that no motion is possible toward communication of how really sucky we feel inside.

Shame sucks.

It sucks so much of our energy that it’s sometimes hard to do a day without feeling totally exhausted.

Shame comes in a variety of equally sucky shades.

There’s what we typically think of as social shame: that which our culture dictates as taboo, we are shamed out of doing early in life. “Don’t put money in your mouth, it’s DIRTY!” “Don’t run in the street (insert slap or rough pull of the child’s arm here), you’ll get killed!” “Don’t hit your brother/sister!” (Hopefully, you didn’t insert slap or rough pull of your arm here!)

Then, there’s physiological shame. When something feels life-threatening, and if fight or flight is not an option, we go into freeze. Freeze is the third of three graces with which all mammals are born. The freeze fills us with endorphins, opiate-like pain killers, and separates our mind from our body - so we can’t feel the impact of death. If we don’t die, we’re sometimes left with a feeling of betrayal - that our body didn’t fight back or run away; that our body failed us in some way. This is physiologic shame.

Both varieties can linger longer than we’d like and make us feel less-than; as if we did something wrong.

At three, I showed up at nursery school without undies. We were to take our naps wearing only our underwear. I still remember, as I slowly removed my turquoise pedal-pushers with the white piping around the pockets, the shame of being “different than” all the other kids at Tainer Town in Glendale. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me. (This unresolved social shaming colored my entire childhood and adolescence.) It would have been lovely to have a conversation about that... about why my dad took me to school without the appropriate outfit, and about a need for back-up supplies so it would be no big deal.

Being too little or not strong enough to fight or run away from danger can leave us with unresolved physiologic shame. If the imprint is not resolved, it can become our default setting so that, when faced with future threatening events, even if we’re big enough and strong enough to protect ourselves, we may resort to the familiar freeze state and become a “deer in headlights” - frozen in place. 

Dissociation is a good thing when it helps us survive horrific events. It's not so useful when it becomes our default setting.

I spent many years of my adult life trying to come back into my body. I discovered I had a polished trap-door at the top of my head. If anything at all felt the least bit threatening, I’d be up and out of my body in a flash. It took years of “circling the field” before I could come in for a landing. Dance helped. Yoga helped. Bodywork helped. Model Mugging (self-defense course for women), and trauma resolution work helped. Mostly, I’m in my body these days and it feels like a safe place to be.

The shame of it is that shame inhibits the flow of our life force. It keeps us from expressing ourselves in myriad creative ways that are our birth-right. The world loses out when we are stuck in shame.

Maryann Williamson’s words, which Nelson Mandela spoke at his inaugural address, ring true:

• "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

May Shine Triumph over Shame!