Murder In the Morning

I start my day with murder. 

Ants have inundated the bathroom. Again.

It’s truly a reflex action. I suppose I could stop it if I tried hard enough, but as soon as I see the grout undulating between the beige tiles or the scouts on white porcelain sink or tub I turn into a pigeon pecking at what doesn’t belong. Automatically I press and squish, press and squish.

For a spider I go to great lengths to invert a jar over her, slide a piece of paper under carefully, so as not to trap a leg, keep paper pressed to jar opening while balancing the jar on my palm and watching the spider dart about frantically inside – looking for the way out. I use my chin against the bottom of the jar while I unlock and open a heavy door. Then I walk some distance from the house and release the spider in an inviting, I hope, supportive of spiders spot. Good Spider! Catch bad bugs! 

Ants? Not so much. Press and squish. Press and squish.

And so began my murder-filled Wednesday.

I had called the exterminator Monday and a worker was due to come Wednesday between when I finished my last client at 2:30 and 4 p.m. Carlo, the practitioner in the field, called at 10 to ask if he could come earlier – he was half an hour away, or so.

“Sure.” I said, but I need you to finish by noon when I have a client. Do you think you can do that?”

“No problem,” he assured me.

He arrived at 11:20. 

I had called Green Leaf Ecological Exterminators because of wasps primarily and ants secondarily. I walked Carlo all around the house pointing out the numerous wasps nests up under the eaves of the roof. He pointed out some I hadn’t seen. We were up to 26 nests by his count; 23 by my count. Patiently, he tried to point out the ones I hadn’t seen. Still I think he went from 16 to 20 instead of 16 to 18 as we went round the north side where I only saw two. Perhaps he was distracted by meeting my mom and her caregiver in the back yard and lost count. Anyway, at $25 per nest the price was really getting up there for wasp removal. Granted, one nest was as big as a sunflower head - like one of those over-sized shower heads, but several were only the size of a nickel. Some nests are in out of the way places where no one has been bothered by the wasps; other nests seem dangerously close to doors we use regularly. Four were built by mud wasps; the majority by paper wasps. The nests are quite beautiful really, and wasps are sociable creatures. I don’t like fighting nature, but it was time to assert our boundaries and un-wasp the house.

I had taken down a dozen nests of various sizes earlier in the summer so we could use the patio in peace. The outfit I wore to do the deed was comical. I had to suit up early one morning, when the wasps are least active, with multiple bandanas covering my face, neck and head, safety goggles, heavy clothing and sox, clogs for stomping on the downed nests and thick leather gloves. I’d been stung once before on head and hand when I wasn’t even trying to harass them. I accidentally bumped a little hanging bird house in which they’d built an invisible nest. Wasp stings hurt!  My murderous side enjoyed whacking those dozen nests down and stomping the suckers dead. 

When he wrote up the estimate, for which I had to pay $45, Carlo said, “Look, I’m here. You’ve already paid the $45. I’ll just take them down. I’m worried they may swarm and sting your mom while she’s outside.” 

Mom does elicit sympathy. She looks extremely frail, thin, still - paralyzed, actually, in her wheel chair with a halo of white hair, and obviously compromised by the electrical storm her brain had eight years ago.

“Well, that’s very kind, but it’s not fair to you. I’d like to compensate you for your time.”

“That’s up to you.”

“It’s an offer I cannot refuse. Thank you very much.”

By now, my client, who had arrived fifteen minutes early for her noon appointment, was upstairs. I did not have time to get the ladder for Carlo to use. (Why he doesn’t carry one on his truck is still a mystery to me.) I last saw him going round the south side of the house toward the sunflower head sized nest, stuffing into his pocket the twelve dollars I put in his hand – all the cash I had in my wallet.

While I was working with my yoga client upstairs, I heard some scraping of metal against stucco. What seemed like an appropriate time later, I heard his truck start up and drive off.

Surveying his handy work later that afternoon, I saw that the only nests he didn’t take down were the ones on the eaves of the upstairs. He really did need an extension ladder to reach those.  Good job for $57.

Early one morning, I’ll get up on the roof and attend to those second story eaves. Murderous thoughts will go through my bandana bearing noggin while I commit murder in the morning.  Poor wasps.

Still, we have ants. The estimate lists $210 for the first non-toxic-to-the-environment treatment, then $100 per monthly “maintenance” visit. I may call Green Leaf again… or I may continue with “press and squish” until the weather cools down and the ants go marching one by one somewhere else… perhaps in pursuit of fallen wasps nests or poor croaked spiders which got dumped in the garden.